Art comes in all forms, this is a crazy cool memoir from a crazy cool gal I know.

Thanks Katy for bleeding your soul out for this one, I love it.

his eyes would pierce my soul.  but i loved the pain.  the pain let me know that it was real. looking at him hurt. i can still feel him. smell him. sometimes my heart is beating so loud, i think as though the whole world can hear it. feel it. love him too. he’s forever beautiful. poof. he was gone. was he real? ever..? how could someone so perfect be true? did i dream him? was he a figure of my imagination?

As she sat in his car by the beach that night, tears slowly running down her face, her head turned to the water so he wouldn’t see her true pain, watching the waves crash along the shore as her heart did, she remembered feeling, as it was breaking, that her heart would never love again.. It may slowly beat and live on, but the fire is gone. she cried for days, for months, for years, and the fire was finally out.

I am numb. poof. he was gone. but he’s somewhere far far away.. and i am here. living and loving the pain- because if i cant have him, at least i will always remember our time. The world was ours. we sailed the seven seas. sought after the depths of every ocean.  dreamt about our lives once our souls were free. slept under the constellations. named our stars. embraced the wind. he would watch me climb the never ending masts of our ship. my hair blowing in the wind. i could feel his heart beat as I moved. he feared for me. he loved me. he feared a life without me. and then there was one.. what we had, was forced to end. then i went years without him. i never stopped thinking of him. we never spoke after that last day when we docked the ship. he was gone from me. and i gave him a heart shaped rock and told him to remember me. then one day, as i sat on the beach, two years later, he walked up behind me. fate had taken over. as if i had seen a ghost. and then we conquered the world. we were unstoppable. everyone knew it. he was my person. poof. he was gone. tears streamed down my face as i looked out his car window at our ocean. and i never saw him again. was he real? he had to have been. someone out there has our message in a bottle. the message we wrote together said- “i hope whoever reads this is as lucky as to be so in love as we are..”

Can you feel my heart pounding? the waves roll in. the waves roll out. the SKY cries with me. it soaks him. does he feel my heart beat then? the wind blows and i know its him. the moon shines and i know he’s looking at it with me. somewhere.. Mr.Blue eyes, i love you. i have always loved you. i will always love you. for every waves that rolls to shore, you’ve never seen that wave before. and when it leaves, you will never see that wave again. poof. his eyes still pierce my soul. looking at him hurts. then he was gone. it was a forbidden love, and i was too much of a distraction. he said no more.

poof. wisps. wind. breath. life. NUMB. FUCK YOU. i HATE that i STILL love you so much. you said i was the most beautiful thing you had ever seen. a magic woman. you destroyed me. i hate every man because they arent you. i love you. why cant you love me back? please. i still think you will walk through the door one day. that night at the beach was the last time i saw those piercing blue eyes. does he know what he has done to me?? he ruined me. can someone please fucking save me? bring me back to life i beg of you. love me. walk hard with me. be my person. i have no inner peace. i have no closure. he was there at the beach with me and then he was gone. poof. i remember walking into a room on the ship and it was as if we were magnets. his eyes fixated on my every movement. when we looked at one another people woke up. we were the most alive we had ever been. why did you do this to me? I’m so sorry for all the hearts i have broken along the way. tick tock. broken clock. but time keeps moving. my life keeps moving. but in no way forward. im stuck in a slow suicide of the quickest sand. i want to be back in OUR SKY with him, sailing the seven seas. soaking it up. living hard. loving harder. he IS my person. i would rather live my entire life without someone, and feel guilt-free of living every day with him in mind, then fake a soon to-be dying love with someone who thinks i am THEIR person. i am not. and will never be. dont try and save me. i will end up hurting you. i’m so sorry that when you read this, it makes you sad. but i thank you for listening and feeling some small ounce of pain with me. for that second, i wasnt alone.

People say i’m a “beautiful disaster”. the thing that you should know is, the day that i am truly happy again, means that he is gone from my mind. and its fucked up, but i never in a thousand years would want to forget him. they say.. whoever they is.. that- eyes are windows to the soul. i forewarn you.. if you ever were to come across this special person, be careful, for when you lock eyes, you will know why i feel the way i feel.

I will say this, although for me- the end result was heart breaking, i do wish for you, to seek true love. never settle. find that person that you cant live without. look to the heights of the SKY and down the depths of the water. because if you only stay as shallow or as low as in between, you will miss them. your person is farther away. and if you want it bad enough, if you want what i have been so blessed to have known the feeling of, search. dont stop. they are there. somewhere. tick tock. time keeps spinning. wafting through the air. feel the wind. let your heart beat loud and fast. feel pain. breathe them in. love them. and never ever let them go. he never chased after me. and i didnt have the strength to look back, as he car drove away.. poof he was gone. sometimes i still, years later, lie in bed with my head to rest, and let the tears of our memories run out of my eyes. he was my blue SKY. never a shade of grey. the world was ours. i lay there, hoping in the night, i would dream of him. feel him once more. let his eyes pierce my soul. one day we will meet again. and until then, i will wait. enjoy being numb. the pain lets me know it is real. he is real. we were real. the things i know that are most definite are such- when i dive into the ocean, i dive deep in search of him. when i feel the wind, i soar high- in hope to find him. my person would never just be in between. poof. he is somewhere. poof. vanish. into thin air. into OUR SKY- he is there. somewhere. until then- the beat drops. and i remain numb. poof.

wake up! i’m alive. i’m not numb anymore. he saved me. he is beautiful. a beauty that trumps something i never thought i would find.. mind you- not something i thought i would never see again. it’s a different beauty i had yet to meet. it’s graceful. it’s warm. it’s not a fire. it’s a slow burning flame that withstands. poof. it’s all clear now. all is righteous. A.I.R. limitless sky. poof. who are you? are you real? is this real? you are my angel. the sky has let me borrow you. i was meant to meet you. he was meant to do that to me so i could appreciate a new found meaning of love. four years had passed and she never thought she would feel alive again. it’s not just that now. it’s not just being alive. it’s the inner peace i had sought after for so many years. it has arrived. he brought it to me. a moderation i had never known. i look at everything now in a completely different way. the old me is not back. the old me is gone and because of him will stay that way forever. i found grace. he is the beholder.

she sits and watches his every move. studies him. tries to find a rhyme or reason in his perfection. it isnt scary. she welcomes it. she doesn’t run. his energy soars around her through the A.I.R. she watches the butterflies as they float in the sky. now she gets it. why does she always see butterflies floating in the sky that come in a pair. they are us. surrounding us with joy. he saved me. he fucking saved me. goodbye my almost lover. i’m alive. nice to meet you.. finally. where have you been? are you real? where did you come from. A.I.R. i will forever be grateful for you. i thank you. i love you. forever and always. poof. i have woken up. i get it now. all is clear. as clear as a  perfect blue SKY. he is that to me. he is mine.

Want to join the #goodvibetribe? Grab a t-shirt here! I’m mildly annoying but I could really use your help to make this service trip a reality 🙂


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